Conflict...it isn't all bad

Many people think that conflict is negative, but it does not always have to be.  Forrester references Kirkman, Jones, and Sharpiro (2000) and Booher (1999) when he said “Conflicts can arise from differences in personalities, differences in goals and perspectives and differences in levels of maturity and commitment (2010, p39, para. 2). This post will discuss
the role of personality types, communication techniques, climate in conflict management, as well as, the role that forgiveness plays and the positive and negative effects of conflict.

Personality types can play into how people react to conflict.  Recognizing your own personality type and communication style, as well as, understanding the personality and communication style of your peers can help you to avoid allowing conflict to escalate.  Barbuto (2010) stated that “conflict management style mediates the relationship between personality and leader effectiveness.” 

Myers Briggs Disney Princes and Heros by LittleMsArtsy on Deviant Art

In the mid-nineties I was in management and took a personality profile.  At that time it said that I had a sharp tongue that sometimes caused hurt feelings and less productivity.  This made me reflect on my personality and communication style and how I could make the workplace more enjoyable and my team more productive.  Now, almost twenty years later, I have taken multiple personality profiles and they have changed over time.  Now the personality profiles show that I am considered friendly, cooperative, agreeable, and emphasize a team environment.  According to Barbuto (2010) when referencing McCrae and Costa (1987), “Agreeableness is characterized by a preference for cooperation over competition, and openness to experience is concerned with imagination, non-conformity, and autonomy, suggesting that leaders may be predisposed to an integrating conflict management style”; which was found to be most effective.  Because I was aware of my personality type and communication style and how it affected my management success, I was able to work to make changes to my personality and communication style.

Understanding your personality and communication style is just the start to success.  If you are able to recognize and understand the personality type and communication style of those around you, then you can adjust your communication techniques in order to successfully avoid or resolve conflict.  You cannot completely change your personality, but you can make some changes in your personality.  In addition, you may not change your communication style permanently, but can adjust it so that you are most effectively communicating with that person.  For instance, in order for my boss to process a timeline of events or facts, they must be written in a bullet-point format.  She does not like to talk it out, she wants it written and then will call to discuss if she has questions.  Other people that I work with would prefer to call and give you the information, or have you give them the information in order for them to take their own notes. 

I work for a temporary staffing agency, so I speak with hundreds of people a week, all with different personalities and communication styles.  Unfortunately, terminating people is part of the job that can be both uncomfortable and lead to conflict.  I always try to approach it in a non-argumentative way, instead of approaching the person aggressively which opens the door to conflict that can escalate to a hostile situation.  I will approach it by saying, “We didn’t have any emails or voicemails telling us you wouldn’t be in today, what happened?”  Then I listen.  Many times the person states that they “just forgot” to call without giving a legitimate reason why they were not at work.  I then replied, “I really wish you had at least called.  Now we’re in a bad spot because I have to terminate you.  If you had just called I would have been able to consider you for future assignments.  I’m really sorry.”  In most cases the person apologizes and takes responsibility for their actions.  If I had approached it by being short and rude, it could have escalated to the person cussing, coming into the office and arguing or calling corporate to complain.

The climate, or atmosphere, in situations also plays a huge part in whether that situation escalates, or how much and how fast it escalates.  According to Cahn (2010) the climate, as well as, the event or place can make your psychological and physical sense feel comfortable or uncomfortable (Cahn, 2010, p. 103).  If the atmosphere is hostile, it is important to assess and decide whether you should wait for a chance to talk to management about the atmosphere, or report any abuse of power to the next level up of management.  As I stated previously, I deal with hundreds of different people every week.  If in the process of terminating someone they begin to argue, I will inform them that this will only make the situation worse.  Then I will suggest that they call me when they are able to discuss this calmly. 

Many times, there will be personality conflicts in the group that are not immediately addressed and create a climate that is very uncomfortable for everyone.  The conflict needs to be addressed, but if you try to do so when one or more of the parties involved are still upset or angry about the situation, it may make the situation worse.  By allowing everyone to calm down and reflect, you have a better chance of resolving the conflict and creating a better climate.  The climate cannot always be controlled, but it is important to address a hostile climate.

Forgiveness is necessary in order to move past the conflict in a healthy manner, both professionally and in one’s personal life. “…forgiveness occurs when a person lets go of his or her feelings of revenge and need for retaliation, and changes his or her thoughts about the transgression and the transgressor. It starts with anger over a transgression and moves toward transforming the meaning of the event, or changing the way we view the event in light of other events in our lives.”  (Cahn, pp. 176-177)  If one does not forgive the perpetrator, or pretends to forgive, the conflict will continue or reappear at some point and the climate will not change.

I once worked with a man that was a bully and ran around cussing at people, belittling people and calling people names.  I had just started there a few weeks prior and had watched him do this to many people, luckily not having any interaction with him myself.  One day he walked into the office and in front of seven other people cussed at me and called me some names for making a mistake and said, “Fix it dummy.”  Immediately, I began shaking and getting very angry.  Everyone was looking at me and asked what I was going to do.  I took a deep breath and looked at it and realized I was not the person that made the mistake, but I fixed it anyway.  Then I walked out and said, “He dummy, I didn’t mess this up, but I did fix it.  Don’t ever talk to me like that again,” then I walked away.  A little while later he needed me to order something for him and when he came in he apologized.  I knew it was very difficult for him to do since everyone had been talking about how he did and said anything he wanted and never said sorry.  I smiled and accepted his apology.  After that, we became very close and worked very well with one another and he began to change his approach with everyone.  In this case, I figured his bark was really bigger than his bite and he wasn’t used to anyone ever standing up to him, so I stood up to him and showed him how it felt to be belittled for making a mistake.  It was not the way I would normally speak to people, but knew that doing like everyone else and putting my head down and taking it was not going to do any good. 

This leads me to the positive and negative effects of conflict.  As in my previous example, conflict along with forgiveness can lead to positive effects.  The conflict lead to a better work environment for all because instead of abusing his power and using intimidation to rule, he realized that he could get more done, with better results, by being more friendly and appreciative.  In addition, in personal relationships, couples and friends that can communicate effectively and forgive one another can use the conflict to strengthen their relationship and grow personally.  An example that I can give from my personal life is when I first met my current fiancé, Michael.  Before we met I had been married to a verbally abusive husband that was very controlling.  I had been living on my own for some time and was used to doing whatever I wanted.  I went out with a friend to shoot some pool one night, ended up closing the bar, going out for breakfast and losing my keys in the snow so I didn’t get home until almost dawn.  Michael was very upset and suspected me of cheating on him.  This conflict could have resulted in us fighting and even breaking up.  Instead, he went to his mother’s to cool off and we talked the next day.  When he came back to talk, we took the time to
discuss our feelings, and the fact that we both were letting previous relationships affect how we were treating one another in this relationship.  By doing so, we talked about the things we had gone through and promised to leave our past in the past, respect each other’s feelings and treat each other the way we want to be treated.  This was a case where the conflict had a positive effect on the relationship, but could have gone seriously wrong.

The negative effects of conflict usually occur when there is no forgiveness.  This leads to more conflict and troubled relationships that result in people not working well together and a hostile work environment.  In personal relationships it leads to divorce, break-ups and the end of friendships.  “The manner by which forgiveness combines with the victim's readiness to forgive, the offender's remorseful apology, initiatives toward reconciliation, and the attainment of justice determines whether forgiveness bears constructive or destructive effects…” (Cristina, 2000, p. 96). 

In both personal and professional cases, if the offender does not apologize or show any initiative to reconcile, then it makes it difficult to forgive the person and move forward.

            In the workplace, I have experienced the negative effects of conflicts where the relationship is broken, there is no forgiveness or trust, and the climate is very uncomfortable.  I worked with a girl that would always be the last to answer the phone, tried to pawn her work of on other people and take credit for other people’s work, and would lie to our manager.  There was a situation where she took a new order for a possible new client.  She did not give anyone else the information, nor did the follow up or fill the order.  The client called the office to express concern that they had not heard anything since their initial conversation two days prior.  She went to the manager and tried to blame me for not doing anything with it.  My manager came to me with a write up and I was completely confused.  I explained that I had never heard of this company before and did not have any message about the potential new client.  First she said that she sent me an email, which she could not produce.  Then she said that she gave me her note, which I did not have.  Then she said that she also told me about it in front of our co-worker.  Our co-worker was questioned and confirmed that she did not verbally tell me about it in front of him.  When it was all said and done I asked her to look on her desk and in front of me and my co-worker, she found the notes she had taken from her phone call.  In the end, my co-worker and I both lost trust in her because she tried to get me in trouble without coming to me first and then tried to lie her way out of the situation, still trying to get me in trouble.  I was never able to truly forgive her and caught her lying on multiple occasions afterwards.  This created a hostile environment from which we never recovered.  The climate caused me to look for another job, and remained hostile until she took another position.

            In personal relationships, you can also have negative effects from conflict.  Unfortunately, words cannot be taken back and the damage from harsh words can lead to irreparable damage.  I had a best friend that blew up on me one night and said things that made me question how good of friends we really were.  After that evening she called and apologized, but when we tried to pick up our friendship where it left off, it was very awkward.  Neither one of us could not forget the words that were spoken that evening.  Although I did forgive her, our friendship was never the same.  We will speak if we see each other out, but we are no longer friends.  Just because there is forgiveness, it does not mean that the relationship will be fully repaired.    

            The important thing to understand, whether talking about personality types, communication techniques, climate in conflict management, forgiveness, or the positive and negative effects of conflict, is that every person has the ability to control some aspect of the conflict.  The decision one makes in each situation affects whether the conflict will be resolved or escalate.  Being aware of the people around you, the climate, and how both you and they communicate, will help you to resolve more conflict than you escalate.

References

Barbuto, John E., Jr, Phipps, K. A., & Xu, Y. (2010). Testing relationships between personality, conflict styles and effectiveness. International Journal of Conflict Management, 21(4), 434-447. doi:http://dx.doi.org/10.1108/10444061011079967

Cahn, Ruth Anna Abigail and Dudley D..  Managing Conflict Through Communication VitalSource eBook for Ashford University, 4th Edition. Pearson Learning Solutions. Retrieved from <vbk:9780558711184#outline(13.5)>.

Cahn, Ruth Anna Abigail and Dudley D..  Managing Conflict Through Communication VitalSource eBook for Ashford University, 4th Edition. Pearson Learning Solutions. Retrieved from <vbk:9780558711184#outline(9)>.

Cristina, J. M. (2000). Constructive and destructive post-conflict forgiveness. Peace Review, 12(1), 95-101. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/217524839?accountid=32521

Forrester, W. R., & Tashchian, A. (2013). Effects of personality on conflict resolution in student teams: A structural equation modeling approach. Journal of College Teaching & Learning (Online), 10(1), 39. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/1418715928?accountid=32521